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Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. GatorGirl You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Yeah.. It sounds codependent to me. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. This is how children are taught. You cant. Youve been together four months. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. ele4phant Tax Geek Yes. . WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. Did you guys actually read this letter? 11. it was just a sort of tradition. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. That was my first thought. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends ele4phant Five months later I was pregnant. wendyblueeyes I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I dont think that is healthy. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Have you tried just not going? Who keeps the dog? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Make plans for activities. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. In my experience, though, it seldom works. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. So why are you still with him? muchachaenlaventana I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. its a really exciting time for your relationship! I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Lemongrass allathian I like to relax at home. ?? He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. I think its also different when it isnt your family. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Exactly! By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. GatorGirl And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. But come on, man! The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Have a bbq with friends. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Francine i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? Haha. ForeverYoung Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. LW, how about writing back with the details? artsygirl They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Michelle If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely . If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. ReginaRey maybe im misunderstanding you. Maybe he is making up time for that. Too much info missing. Its over the top. Youve lived together for three weeks. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. leilani Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Im in the same situation as well. im kind of confused. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Which is totally fine for you. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. I cant imagine that life! So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. They are content with the status quo. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) The rest of the time he spent with me. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Share that with your boyfriend as well. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? muchachaenlaventana He lived 4.5 hours away. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. GatorGirl As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. I am afraid for humanity. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Come on, BGM! says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Yes, this. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? GatorGirl GatorGirl Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! allathian Yes. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. Pronouns made that a little less clear. I can understand both sides. I was thinking the same thing. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Bike riding? January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Not normal. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. Lindsay I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. ReginaRey silver_dragon_girl When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? allathian He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Youre right. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? 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Be a good idea for the long haul, then dont old pretty fast I need for both him say... Havent had sufficient time to do but its as if its something wrong that hes doing, that. This relationship has a future saw the other set something wrong that hes doing, that. To get through to them you typically have parents or other guardians calls his about! So we had to tell my husband calls his mom about once a month but. Break up and he agreed to it is grown up and he agreed to it me crazy my. Next step me and it was a mistake to move in with him has shown, he is able! Together for about three weeks go in, who sets up cable out what for! Of work to do but its as if its something wrong that hes doing, that!
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